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Happy Halloween to All

Spooks
by Sandra Liatsos
 
There’s a goblin at my window,
A monster by my door.
The pumpkin at my table
Keeps on smiling more and more.
There’s a ghost who haunts my bedroom,
A witch whose face is green.
They used to be my family,
Till they dressed for Halloween.
 
Spider pic created using S C R I B B L E R – a free online program that’s quite fun!
 ZeFrankScribble Spider

Have a fun and safe Halloween, everyone. Even though it’s a school night, the kids have requested a couple of scary movies – fingers crossed they aren’t too grumpy in the morning!

Posted in Sigs, Pics & Greets | 1 Comment

Another Birthday Come and Gawn

Yesterday was my 36th birthday and I finally got the router for my new computer. Of course, I can’t use it until the account is activated, but soon I shall be able to whizz through the space that is the internet at great speeds – or so I hope! The kiddoes got me a buddha picture, which was lovingly wrapped in mouse christmas paper and H had written on it that I only had a couple of years left to live – which was nice!
 
KT had invited his family over so we decided on making up some snack foods for tea. We put some potatoes in to bake and H made her first ever quiche but "wefoosed" to take credit for it, even when people were saying it was obviously shop bought pastry and I told them she’d made it earlier. Seriously, what do I need to do to get her and S not to be so self conscious!? J made a marinade for ribby things and cooked those (they were fabulous!), KT cooked rice and I made up a pasta salad. It all went down well and everyone seemed to get well stuffed.
 
KT asked me this morning if I had enjoyed it and I had but then it made me realise that it was the first gathering I’d had for my birthday since I was 15 and I had to share that time with my little sister’s 3rd birthday and that before then the last time I had a party of sorts I was 7. I wonder if this is why I like to make an effort with the kiddoes?
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Horror Movie Survival Guide

If the house you’re living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.
 
Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.
 
When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you’ve shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you’re out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there!
 
If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it’s time to leave.
 
Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.
 
Don’t look under the bed.
 
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
 
If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.
 
If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don’t approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"
 
If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.
 
If you’ve hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it’s safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.
 
Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."
 
It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.
 
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.)
 
When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.
 
Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.
 
If demons begin possessing your companions, it’s a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.
 
If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.
 
If you’ve just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.
 
As a general rule, don’t try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
 
Don’t fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.
 
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.
 
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.
 
If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don’t pick it up or touch it, with anything.
 
If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.
 
If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, Don’t go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what’s wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.
 
If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.
 
Do not accept/take anything from the dead.
 
If priests won’t or can’t enter your home, start looking for a new home.
 
If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.
 
If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren’t awake yet.
 
If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a damn good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
 
Don’t play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.
 
If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately.
 
Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.
 
Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re really sure you know what you are doing.
 
Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.
 
If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don’t stop to check it out.
 
Never put your back to, or lean on a door.
 
Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.
 
Never speak to clowns in sewers.
 
Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings.
 
If you’re running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don’t see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of you.
 
If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.
 
Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
 
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
 
Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.
 
Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep ‘Redrum’ in stock.
 
Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators.
 
If you’re going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark, african game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."
 
If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.
 
If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don’t touch it, don’t thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on Earth.
 
If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction.
 
If there is no exit, make one.
Posted in Sigs, Pics & Greets | 3 Comments

Mercy Dash

Much belated posting (grrr at Space Slowness!)
 
H forgot her school bag this morning – how on Earth she managed to cycle the whole way to school without realising the darned thing wasn’t wobbling about on her back, I will never know. It resulted in me getting a phone call from school to say that she was quite distressed and could I bring it in, please?
 
I had to call KT for help, which I wasn’t sure I would get after the weekend of bitching and fighting (btw, it wasn’t a good weekend). He promised he’d come as soon as he could and sure as his word, he came quite quickly. I was kinda surprised at how fast he arrived; after all I had woken him up, which meant he was still in bed, which meant he wasn’t dressed, which meant a long, long wait. All was revealed – or not as the case may be – when I got into the van to discover he was sitting behind the wheel with a towel wrapped round his nethers. I think he was feeling a little sensitive about it, after all, he only mentioned it about thirty or forty times, mostly by muttering about breaking down, or accidentally crashing into the car in front. I thought I would cheer him up by making up the headlines…
 
PERVERT SMASHED INTO ME WEARING NOTHING BUT A TOWEL - I wasn’t even in my car, complained Mrs Doogood, 43.
 
NAKED CIVIL SERVANT MADE ME PICK HIM UP - the terrifying tale of a breakdown driver.
 
You know… that kind of thing *insert evil grin here*.
 
Anyhow, I think the worst part of it all for him was being parked outside the girls’ High School. He asked me to hurry, and for fears of having to explain what he was doing to the local beat bobby, I did my best.
 
On the way back, he glanced at the corner shop and mentioned that he’d thought of getting me to pop in and get him some ‘fizz’. ‘There are two reasons why I didn’t’, he hissed. ‘Can you guess what they are?’
 
Our dentist has told him he has to cut down on cola and the such as it was destroying his tooth enamel, so obviously, that was a cinch for the first reason. ‘You’re not allowed?’, I ventured.
 
‘That’s one’, he said.
 
I put on a sweet smile and tried for 2/2. ‘Because you’re not sure I brought my purse out with me?’
 
‘I’ll give you a clue’, he said. ‘The initials are… I’M WEARING A FOOFING TOWEL!’
 
Oh, how we laughed!

Apparently, when he got home, his next door neighbour was outside valeting his car, so KT got to spend some time being all neighbourly and chatting about the neighbour’s new car, all whilst still dressed in a towel *WEG*
Posted in Pond Life | 1 Comment

National Poetry Day 2006

Yesterday was National Poetry Day and the theme for 2006 was ‘Identity’. I’m not a great poet by any means, but I do write some, usually short, quick ones. I’m one of those people who doesn’t always make my poems rhyme but when I do it usually rhymes the way that I talk, with my accent, so it usually makes no sense to other people! Anyhow, here’s my offering for NPD2006.

-Identity-
 
When I’m alone, I guess I’m me
But I’m quite the hermit
When no-one can see.
I hide away
Like a snail in my shell
I cringe at the sound of the phone and the mail.
 
When I’m with you, I come alive;
My eyes start to sparkle,
My smile grows wide.
My mind is jumping
As we joke and play,
I’m never short of something to say.
 
So which of these people is really me?
Am I the hermit?
Or the person you see?
Posted in Poem of the Day | 1 Comment

Interfering Old Grannies

People really do make me wonder sometimes…
We got up nice and early so we could pop along to the sunday market; unfortunately, there appeared to be three or four coaches parked around the corner somewhere as the place was heaving with old dears. Now I don’t have a problem with the older generation in particular. I do however have a problem with any that do the following:
  • Note here – any gangs of older people, whether they do any of the following or not are a menace
  • Walk so slowly a tortoise could overtake them, if, and it is a blooming great if, they would scoot over and make room for him. These ones tend to spread themselves out.
  • Stand blocking throughways, doorways, gateways, anyways and pretend they are blind (Sorry Love, didn’t see you there) or deaf. I mean, do they take bets to see who can ignore someone the longest, or what?
  • Barging for a bargain. These are the ones that are well prepared for the local jumble sale and have themselves all prepared to grab some goodies. Not only will they physically knock you out of the way, which I have to say is especially annoying if you have been waiting patiently to get past either of the first two groups, but they also have a well formed plan of action at reduced counters. Imagine if you will. You fancy making some soup and there’s a lovely bit of broccoli sitting there, reduced to 15p that you can use. You reach out for it, only to have a dried out, wrinkly hand snake past your arm and grab for it. The standard thing here, what the owner of that hand knows, is that it is human nature to recoil when something unpleasant touches or surprises you. The doddery old dear will apologise and offer you the bit of broccoli, but what they are counting on is that you are so surprised by what has happened that you will refuse it politely and they get to waltz off with their winnings.
  • The well meaners. Also known as interfering old biddies. My Nanna is a grand example of one of these. She moved to a medium sized village many years ago and immediately took over the running of their social club, arranging all kinds of special nights and outings. Almost anything that needs sorting, she takes it upon herself to sort it.  I am pretty certain that many an OAP loves the fact that Nanna sorts it all out, just as I am sure that there are a few out there who are just waiting for her to pop her clogs so they can take over her role as village saviour.

It’s a member of the last group that encouraged this post. We took three times longer to work our way round the market due to the unseen coaches and their passengers – it seemed all the pensioners in Suffolk were at the market on Sunday. I was so ready to go home and get a late breakfast before heading off for a family do and as there were so many people about I started opening the van door as soon as we got close enough to do so in order that I could get the ramp out at the first available opportunity. A really doddery old bloke and an old woman were walking past the van as I opened the door and they carried on walking past it as it opened, but had a really good nose into the van as the door slid slowly open. They carried on past the van, and I started to get the ramp out but had to stop when the woman walked back, stuck her head inside the van, and had an even bigger snout than before. She then walked to the back of the van, lifted her foot and placing it on the door, kicked it with all her might. As it’s on a chain and all remote controlled, all this did was make the bottom of the door lift up and almost come off it’s chain. We were incredulous and I know that my mouth opened in a big ‘Oh-My-Gawd-What-Does-She-Think-She’s-Doing?’. Not satisfied that it hadn’t closed, she went to have another go at it. I was close enough by now to run up to her and just shouted ‘Excuseeee me!’ at her. She went into deaf mode and I fair enough screamed ‘No!’ at her. Her foot dropped and she looked up at me and said she was just closing the door. Her foot went up again. ‘Excuse me but No!’, I yelled at her. She stopped and looked around. ‘This is our van and we opened the door’, I said. I was incredibly mad at her. ‘Oh’, she said. ‘I saw the door was open and thought I would shut it’. No, I thought, you watched it open, we watched you. Anyhow, to cut this story short, she walked off, quite happy in the thought that she’d done us a favour, whilst I fumed at the potential cost of fixing the door had it come off the chain. We have to go to Hemel Hempstead to get repairs on the van, not cheap in itself, and even if it was a ‘freebie’ fix, it would still have cost an outrageous amount in labour. We all piled in and drove past her and her companion – she was stood at the side of the road, smiling at us and waving regally in our direction…

Please, please, please – if anyone ever sees me when I am old and grey, and I am turning into a busy body – kill me.

Posted in Grumpy Old Git | 2 Comments